I've read it before, of people crashing and burning when the world stops dishing out the compliments and gets harsh. Usually it's right out of high school, but mine took a little time. I'm about to turn 22 and the past year of being 21 has been the hardest of my life.
The only way I can describe it is it felt like people were purging from my life, and the ones left in it were not the kindest I've ever known. When I say purging, I mean I lost people. Friendships broke and weakened, and my strongest ones moved away. Even my parents left.
I remember thinking, why would God leave me alone like this? I can't live like this, I can't thrive with no one here. He knows that, He knows that I have built my life around being the "good" one, but what happens when that doesn't matter anymore?
I never realized as I was trying to keep people happy that I was building a tremendous amount of pride within myself that grew the more compliments I got. That pride was also a wall between myself and God. 21 has been the year God said, "It's time to take down that wall."
I felt like I was in a corner. With no one new coming into my life to fill the gaps that opened as people left I found myself trapped in my world that I had never looked at for myself, but always others. I was sad a lot of the time, and incredibly hopeful that each new friend that would walk into my life would be the friend God was blessing me with to finally balance out those who had left. I clung to them, to that idea, instead of clinging to God. If you haven't already figured it out, that led to my downfall.
I found myself in a pit. It had been a while since I dug one for myself, and this was probably the deepest I had ever made one considering I had been digging my whole life and didn't even realize it. I couldn't get out, I was so full of self pity, and kept telling everyone that the only thing I needed was a good friend.
It took a solid year for me to open my eyes to the thought of God being that friend for me. A year of hurting, loneliness, and brokenness. I sat on my back porch as it poured and asked God to give me something to let me know that I am not alone, and that I never was.
What I got was Psalm 56:8
At the moment of reading that I felt my heart lighten. I had cried alone so many times the past year wondering when I would have someone who understood me, would be there for me, and welcome me to be there for them.
Every time God was there.
He is that friend for me now. When I hurt, when I'm filled with joy, when I'm frustrated, I run to him. I had such a painful and difficult year filled with loss, but for someone who has such a need to please people I needed to see what life was like with no one to please. Just God.
Since this time I've had to watch myself even closer, and practice the self-control God has given me. I feel like myself, something I don't think I've ever known before.
I have a heart that cares for people but doesn't find my worth in how they treat me, because I know my worth is in Jesus. I feel Jesus in me, letting me be free of the expectations of this world and able to really love others, not just please them.
"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ" Galations 1:10
