Let No One Separate.

I'm not too good at keeping this up, huh? Surprisingly this has been the best I've ever kept up with a blog so far, it's mostly because of the devotions/bible studies I do in them.

Thanksgiving was really nice, getting to see family (and getting time and a half :p) were great. It's also kind of a monumental holiday, it's when I first met all of Walker's family. Me being me, I had to take a comparison photo of last year and this year.

It feels like our faces have matured so much (and everyone says I look taller...if only!). It probably has to do with the fact we're definitely more relaxed in the second picture. 

You know, living together really changes everything. I'm hoping this doesn't sound wrong, but it's the best way I can say it. If I have learned anything as to why it's important to wait until your married to live together I think it's mostly because you then have more of a commitment, more of a "reason" to stay in the hard times. I think it is so easy to leave someone while dating without giving the relationship a real chance. Living together challenges the relationship a lot, you have to learn how to work together and to find a way to make time together special still. 

Now please don't misunderstand what I'm saying, I love Walker to death, but yes we do fight. It happens, and fights generally make you and your relationship stronger. But it's those little annoyances, you know? Where if you don't resolve them they just build up and then you argue about dishes whenever there may be an underlying cause. What I'm trying to say is it's a lot easier to fight/argue when you're around someone  24/7. I'm just as guilty as Walker is in these circumstances, and that's a hard pill to swallow. No one likes being told that they're making the one they love most mad or annoyed. I never intend to annoy Walker, but I know if I had to be around myself all the time I would undoubtedly become the same way.

I bet you can't guess the next word I'm going to use...

Balance. Balance is everything in a relationship. You have to know the balance between getting your point across and drilling someone over something as simple as cleaning the stove. There's also balance in the ability to come home and say no phones, no games, just us. Think of how life is before you move in, you have to make the time together when suddenly there's all of this time and it's so wonderful at first...then you want to check facebook/twitter/pinterest/etc. and he wants to play a new video game for a little bit. When a little bit becomes all day/night and you've hardly spent time together that's when you know you need to set those things to the side and remember each other.

Simply put, you take each other  for granted once you live together. I mean, you take your parents for granted, right? You forget how important time is with them, and how important it is to let the little things go. I will say I think living together before marriage is very challenging...I mean EXTREMELY challenging. I don't necessarily say you should or you shouldn't, I think that's every person's own decision. Is it looked down upon, yes, and I know that. But I will end with this, you never really know a person (or how much they love you) until you come home to them every single day.

A relationship is nothing but hard work, never forget that. Don't become lazy or complacent in it. It's special, and it's the rest of your life if you're engaged/married. Cherish it and grow it.

Mark 10:1-31

Divorce

"'Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.'" Mark 10:9

I'd like to let y'all know that I had not even looked at Mark 10 and what it entailed until right now, after typing out all of that about relationships. Crazy right? So stinking crazy how God relates what you are talking about/need advice with through the word. In this Jesus talks of divorce and how it should not happen, that it only happens when hearts become hard. 

Remember all that you give at the beginning of the relationship, how you just want them to like you? Why does that alter whenever you have them? It's a part of your heart hardening to the specialness of the relationship. It doesn't just happen with significant others, but friends and family as well. Always show your love to others, especially those you appreciate most.

Things are not going to be flawless, people mess you, I mess up, you mess up, everyone messes up. Hard times make for a stronger person and bond. Working through them is just a part of it. 

The Little Children and Jesus

"'Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.'" Mark 10:15.

Think about that. That really makes me think about my relationship with God. I try so hard to be mature and understand it, but how would a child take it? They would be in awe, they would talk about it, and be excited. I need to take time aside to just be happy you know? I'm saved, God isn't always necessarily showing me something I have to read into, but that He loves me and I need to celebrate that more often.

The Rich and the Kingdom of God

"'But many who are first will be last, and the last first.'" Mark 10:31

How challenging is it to realize that your status here doesn't really matter? Instead of working to be the best at work, we should work to please God. I'm guilty of not always doing that, and I get wrapped up in activities that bring out the worst in me just so I can be "best."

That isn't what God wants. Work always to please God, not others.

Getting Out of the Norm.

So, I guess I kind of suck at this whole blogging thing seeing that it's been almost 10 days since my last one. I've just been REALLY busy with little to no time to myself, and to sum up today it seems like it'll consist of sleep, working out, and eating. Oh, and laundry..bleh. But anyways, I am continuing in the steps to help myself be better in general and today's is "Get out of the spin cycle." Uhh..what exactly does this mean? I had an idea that ended up being right, and once again it's close to stop tolerating for me in a sense that I don't struggle too much with it. It's basically saying if something bad is happening and you keep finding yourself in the position do something about it. It's different from the post before because it's saying repeatedly in your life with different people/circumstances you find yourself in the same bad situation before, which makes sense and definitely can happen. I know when I got back into dating I was really afraid of thing being like they were in the past with other people, and that fear of it held me back for a good while from really enjoying my relationship with Walker. To me this relates to letting go of the past because if you cling to it or dwell on it, it's likely your future will continue in the same way. If something didn't work before don't try a similar job, or a friend with the same traits and so on. Trying something new is not bad, and shouldn't be seen as scary.

In other exciting news: I AM ENGAGED! Yup, crazy I know! It happened last Saturday (9/21) and the day in general was crazy. I woke up and went to yoga, and while I was there Walker went to go look at a puppy we had seen online. I wasn't sold on getting the dog just yet, especially not in our studio apartment. Walker got home later than expected and I was already kind of frustrated with him because it was one of those days we were hardly going to see each other and I really just wanted time with him before work. Walker called me once he got here and asked me to come outside. When I opened the door there was the puppy with a little note attached to his harness. I started trying to open it and as I did Walker got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. It didn't really hit me until the ring had been on my finger for a good 10 minutes and of course I started bawling like a baby then. The dog's name was Rocky, and he's extremely sweet...just not potty trained. Needless to say, that's been a struggle and big frustration, but in the end he brings Walker and myself a lot of joy so we're trying to find ways to make it work. But anyways, it's a very exciting time in my life and the planning has already begun :)

Trusting Your Wants.

I'll be the first to admit that I seek approval in most of what I do. Growing up, I've been told what not to do and so when I do something right it always got praise. Trust me, I had plenty of examples of right and wrong, but even with them I wanted someone to tell me yes. Sadly, that has continued into adulthood. If I don't know exactly how to do something 100% of the time I need to hear that "good job" or "that's right". But why? My parents didn't raise me badly, and along the way I've found God and have good morals. I have to learn to trust myself because I'm at the point of my life where change is the biggest constant. My plan for the future is always changing, my friends move away, my job is always pushing me to be better, literally everything about my life is in transformation mode all the time. So in this mess, what is my rock. I can depend on God to give me circumstances that aren't too much for me to handle, but all in all I make the decisions. I have to trust myself instead of asking someone else beforehand if they think it's a good idea. Even after I sometimes let anxiety eat away at me and just sit and wonder what others are thinking. In reasonable areas of my life, who really cares? If I stand 100% in my decision, I should trust myself enough to be okay with that choice and not live for what other's think. I'm the first to stand up for those I love, but also the first to tear myself apart sometimes. I gotta learn to love myself and be confident.

It's sad that for my generation confidence is mostly perceived on being confident in how you look, but it's so much more than that. To be confident in your decisions and actions, that should be the ultimate way to assurance.

Also, just another small update from Padre! Walker and I were going to go to the zoo yesterday but on the way there it started pouring so of course then we decided to look at the weather forecast and found it was supposed to rain in Brownsville the whole day. We came back and hung out at the beach, went boogie boarding a little, but I think I pulled the muscle in my left shoulder so today I've only been in bed. No fun, so a prayer would be greatly appreciated. It's killing me right now not to be out in the ocean!

Love Yourself.

So step two in the process I posted in my last blog is: Adore You. So this blog might sound a little bit like bragging, and I don't want it to come across that way. But I really need to build myself up and get that confidence back.
Probably my favorite thing about myself is that I'm always pushing myself to be better. If I do something lacking all of my effort I feel guilty, and next time I put my all into it, especially if it's something I really want.
Also, I've come a long freaking way in the past two years. If you could of seen me my senior year to now you probably wouldn't even think it was the same person. My outlook on life has changed, my independence, and my appearance.
I'm really good at figuring out what's good for me and what isn't. If I don't feel a passion for something, especially if it could greatly affect my future, I won't do it. Why put so much work into something that I don't want for the rest of my life?
I'm the go-to person. My goal in life is for people to know they can come to me with any problem, any sadness, any joy, anything at all and I'll listen. The test for me in this is to not get bored or annoying, but to really practice that heart for people that I long for.
I may not know exactly what I want to do in the future, but anytime I find a true interest I practice it to really figure out if it's for me.

I'm just really stinking proud of myself. So much growth has happened in the past 5 years, and this year of being 19 has been the absolute best. I just have to keep growing, and i know it's completely and 100% possible :)

Also, I'm at the beach right now!

This is me and Walker when we first got here on Saturday. I'm here with my parents and him, and it's been really great :)

I will say being somewhat in my parent's control is difficult to handle after being moved out for almost 4 months. I just have to remain grateful for them because they basically gave me and Walker this trip and doing a little back for them is the least we could do.