Trusting Your Wants.

I'll be the first to admit that I seek approval in most of what I do. Growing up, I've been told what not to do and so when I do something right it always got praise. Trust me, I had plenty of examples of right and wrong, but even with them I wanted someone to tell me yes. Sadly, that has continued into adulthood. If I don't know exactly how to do something 100% of the time I need to hear that "good job" or "that's right". But why? My parents didn't raise me badly, and along the way I've found God and have good morals. I have to learn to trust myself because I'm at the point of my life where change is the biggest constant. My plan for the future is always changing, my friends move away, my job is always pushing me to be better, literally everything about my life is in transformation mode all the time. So in this mess, what is my rock. I can depend on God to give me circumstances that aren't too much for me to handle, but all in all I make the decisions. I have to trust myself instead of asking someone else beforehand if they think it's a good idea. Even after I sometimes let anxiety eat away at me and just sit and wonder what others are thinking. In reasonable areas of my life, who really cares? If I stand 100% in my decision, I should trust myself enough to be okay with that choice and not live for what other's think. I'm the first to stand up for those I love, but also the first to tear myself apart sometimes. I gotta learn to love myself and be confident.

It's sad that for my generation confidence is mostly perceived on being confident in how you look, but it's so much more than that. To be confident in your decisions and actions, that should be the ultimate way to assurance.

Also, just another small update from Padre! Walker and I were going to go to the zoo yesterday but on the way there it started pouring so of course then we decided to look at the weather forecast and found it was supposed to rain in Brownsville the whole day. We came back and hung out at the beach, went boogie boarding a little, but I think I pulled the muscle in my left shoulder so today I've only been in bed. No fun, so a prayer would be greatly appreciated. It's killing me right now not to be out in the ocean!

Love Yourself.

So step two in the process I posted in my last blog is: Adore You. So this blog might sound a little bit like bragging, and I don't want it to come across that way. But I really need to build myself up and get that confidence back.
Probably my favorite thing about myself is that I'm always pushing myself to be better. If I do something lacking all of my effort I feel guilty, and next time I put my all into it, especially if it's something I really want.
Also, I've come a long freaking way in the past two years. If you could of seen me my senior year to now you probably wouldn't even think it was the same person. My outlook on life has changed, my independence, and my appearance.
I'm really good at figuring out what's good for me and what isn't. If I don't feel a passion for something, especially if it could greatly affect my future, I won't do it. Why put so much work into something that I don't want for the rest of my life?
I'm the go-to person. My goal in life is for people to know they can come to me with any problem, any sadness, any joy, anything at all and I'll listen. The test for me in this is to not get bored or annoying, but to really practice that heart for people that I long for.
I may not know exactly what I want to do in the future, but anytime I find a true interest I practice it to really figure out if it's for me.

I'm just really stinking proud of myself. So much growth has happened in the past 5 years, and this year of being 19 has been the absolute best. I just have to keep growing, and i know it's completely and 100% possible :)

Also, I'm at the beach right now!

This is me and Walker when we first got here on Saturday. I'm here with my parents and him, and it's been really great :)

I will say being somewhat in my parent's control is difficult to handle after being moved out for almost 4 months. I just have to remain grateful for them because they basically gave me and Walker this trip and doing a little back for them is the least we could do.