Get Over The Hate.

So many things have happened in life, and not all of it has been good. When I look back at the majority of my teenage years I'm saddened to say that I was my own worst enemy. I made my own problems from nothing and then exploded them even more. I drug everyone down into the ground with me with these problems, and would even find ways to blame them. As I've gotten older I'm glad to say I've gotten much better about that, probably what I was dealing with was a maturity issue. But the point of this isn't really to focus on the bad, but to think about ways of getting over it. We aren't supposed to just quit cold turkey. I know when I try that it doesn't work out (if you want an example you can read this blog I actually made on here).So the point I'm trying to make is to make progress in any way it has to come in moderation. I discovered that about dieting and changing my lifestyle that way, but I never thought of it as an all around problem solver. So instead of waking up all determined to change everything, I'm going to wake up and learn to be okay with my opportunities and think of ways to make them into strengths. Cutting anything cold turkey simply doesn't work. Not for me, and not for many people I know. Putting so much pressure on myself is just as self-destructive as doing nothing about it.

In Padre news, the island has a flood watch basically all weekend. Me and Walker went out into the waves and they were over his head and he's 6'1" so you can imagine how scary that was for both of us. Either way we both stayed out there for a while, and woke up to alerts on our phones. It's been fun Padre, but we still have one more day. Don't flood just yet ;)

Trusting Your Wants.

I'll be the first to admit that I seek approval in most of what I do. Growing up, I've been told what not to do and so when I do something right it always got praise. Trust me, I had plenty of examples of right and wrong, but even with them I wanted someone to tell me yes. Sadly, that has continued into adulthood. If I don't know exactly how to do something 100% of the time I need to hear that "good job" or "that's right". But why? My parents didn't raise me badly, and along the way I've found God and have good morals. I have to learn to trust myself because I'm at the point of my life where change is the biggest constant. My plan for the future is always changing, my friends move away, my job is always pushing me to be better, literally everything about my life is in transformation mode all the time. So in this mess, what is my rock. I can depend on God to give me circumstances that aren't too much for me to handle, but all in all I make the decisions. I have to trust myself instead of asking someone else beforehand if they think it's a good idea. Even after I sometimes let anxiety eat away at me and just sit and wonder what others are thinking. In reasonable areas of my life, who really cares? If I stand 100% in my decision, I should trust myself enough to be okay with that choice and not live for what other's think. I'm the first to stand up for those I love, but also the first to tear myself apart sometimes. I gotta learn to love myself and be confident.

It's sad that for my generation confidence is mostly perceived on being confident in how you look, but it's so much more than that. To be confident in your decisions and actions, that should be the ultimate way to assurance.

Also, just another small update from Padre! Walker and I were going to go to the zoo yesterday but on the way there it started pouring so of course then we decided to look at the weather forecast and found it was supposed to rain in Brownsville the whole day. We came back and hung out at the beach, went boogie boarding a little, but I think I pulled the muscle in my left shoulder so today I've only been in bed. No fun, so a prayer would be greatly appreciated. It's killing me right now not to be out in the ocean!

Love Yourself.

So step two in the process I posted in my last blog is: Adore You. So this blog might sound a little bit like bragging, and I don't want it to come across that way. But I really need to build myself up and get that confidence back.
Probably my favorite thing about myself is that I'm always pushing myself to be better. If I do something lacking all of my effort I feel guilty, and next time I put my all into it, especially if it's something I really want.
Also, I've come a long freaking way in the past two years. If you could of seen me my senior year to now you probably wouldn't even think it was the same person. My outlook on life has changed, my independence, and my appearance.
I'm really good at figuring out what's good for me and what isn't. If I don't feel a passion for something, especially if it could greatly affect my future, I won't do it. Why put so much work into something that I don't want for the rest of my life?
I'm the go-to person. My goal in life is for people to know they can come to me with any problem, any sadness, any joy, anything at all and I'll listen. The test for me in this is to not get bored or annoying, but to really practice that heart for people that I long for.
I may not know exactly what I want to do in the future, but anytime I find a true interest I practice it to really figure out if it's for me.

I'm just really stinking proud of myself. So much growth has happened in the past 5 years, and this year of being 19 has been the absolute best. I just have to keep growing, and i know it's completely and 100% possible :)

Also, I'm at the beach right now!

This is me and Walker when we first got here on Saturday. I'm here with my parents and him, and it's been really great :)

I will say being somewhat in my parent's control is difficult to handle after being moved out for almost 4 months. I just have to remain grateful for them because they basically gave me and Walker this trip and doing a little back for them is the least we could do.

Personal Body Image.

I don't know about what it's like for other girls, but I know for me I struggle so badly with self-hate, especially when it comes to my body. This whole month has been an off one for me. I haven't wanted to work out as much, and my eating habits have been more careless than ever it seems like. It may be a silly fear, but I'm afraid of a type of karma coming and getting me for losing 15 when you're supposed to gain the freshman 15. What if it just waited until this year? Then I realized, no one has that control besides myself. No one can hold me accountable except myself. No one can make me proud of myself except me. My body is just that, my body. I'm responsible for it. And this month I started on a new medicine which my body has had to adjust to physically and mentally. I started back at school so that's a stressor as well. I keep saying next week, next week, NEXT WEEK. Why do we put off like this? Why not now? And in my shoes, why can't I continue a good thing? It's a rigorous cycle, the one I have with my diet and body I mean. I get so healthy and proud then fall off the good streak and go crazy it seems like, sometimes for a day, sometimes for a month. The important thing is to always get back on track.
My main problem is vacation. Funny how that's seen as a problem. But seriously, it's going to be so hard for me to relax and let myself eat and enjoy vacation but also find a balance. I'm literally already stressing over it. I'm stressing over vacation. How freaking ridiculous is that?
This all points to one thing: I am not 100% comfortable in my own skin. How can I grow? Well, I googled the answer so lets see what comes up.
1. Get Real.
2. Adore YOU
3. Trust Your Wants
4. Stop trying to vanquish the "bad stuff" (this is probably hitting the hardest right about now)
5. Take responsibility
6. Stop tolerating
7. Get out of the spin cycle
8. Permanently shift your beliefs
9. Dream loudly
10. Live passionately
(I got this list here)

So, starting off, getting real. I really really REALLY hate myself whenever I get off track with food. I struggled with disorders in the past and I am not proud of them at all. I've been clean of them for maybe about 2 months, but they still itch at me when I look in the mirror and don't like what I see. When I eat, I eat excessively. Go to a restaurant with me on a cheat day and you will easily see how I weight 45 more pounds than I currently do. I do everything excessively, loving people, anger, eating, everything about me is excessive. How can I better this? Seriously, how?
The best solution I can think of is stop the self-hate and forgive myself while still holding myself 100% accountable for my actions and reactions. Plan ahead and stick to it. Be proud of what I've done and reallize if I stay healthy how bright my future is, and if I go back to unhealthy how dim my outcome may be.

Maybe I'll do one of these things from this list every entry, give this blog more of me and get more personal. I really just want to learn to love myself.

Lovey Dovey.

I can't believe I haven't mention anything about my absolutely wonderful significant other on this blog yet. Well, his name is Walker and he is without a doubt the best person I've ever met. I put a picture of the promise ring he gave me on Valentine's Day. I've been looking at it a lot more recently, and really thinking about how this ring is a perfect representation of him for me. He has the best heart I've ever seen, a heart of gold. He would do anything for someone he loved, and he puts others before himself. This month will be our 10 month anniversary, which sounds like a short time, but there's something different about the way we click and work together. Let me explain a little bit: this time last year I was just being reintroduced to him. We had a class together junior year but never spoke a word to each other. In college we both had the same scholarship, and a mutual friend that got it with us, so we ended up spending quite a bit of time together. I remember for the first time that year guys were actually asking me out, and I even had guy friends when before I couldn't even imagine that. But even with the guys asking me out, even with the closest guy friends, the only person I wanted that attention from was Walker. Eventually I asked him to go see a movie with me because, lets be real, I'm impatient and I try to make things happen when I want them to, and he told me his girlfriend probably wouldn't be okay with that. Girlfriend. As soon as I hear that word from any guy it's like a switch goes off in my head the attraction I had for them disappears. I will never be the girl who messed up a good relationship, so I stayed away. Then, a funny thing happened. He started texting me more, and eventually asked me on a date. I called him out right away about the "girlfriend" and he said they had broken up just a couple days after I asked him about the movie. So we had our first date, and what really stuck out to me wasn't the date itself, but the fact that afterwards we came into my room and talked for a good 3 hours about our lives. I told him everything and he told me everything. I knew something was different right then. So, we begin dating officially and our families love us being together so that's always nice, and we didn't seem to annoy our friends too badly with PDA. About 4 months in I start thinking about moving out on my own...and how great it would be to have Walker with me. We found a cheap studio apartment and decided to move in the week after school ended. So at 6 months we were living together, and still are. It is so fantastic to have him to come home to. I've never had someone love me this much, and do so many little things for me. Don't get me wrong, we fight, but most of the time within 30 minutes we're back to normal and both apologize for being such buttheads. So, yeah, that's Walkie..or Walker ;)

Pizza!

How great does that look? Probably as wonderful as it tasted to me when I ate it. Whenever I moved out I promised myself I was going to cook and be good at it, and it ended up being a lot of easy processed foods in my freezer. Eventually, I picked up my promise to myself again and starting looking up 1-2 recipes a week, nothing too difficult, and tried them out. So far so good, and good could be an understatement of the foods I've made. It's awesome that since I've cut out the majority of processed junk my grocery bill is cut nearly in half, and that's with necessities like toilet paper added into the price. So yeah, this is another thing you can expect to see on this blog, because I have a huge passion for food and learning more about cooking.

5 More Days.

Only 5 more days of work until I leave for vacation. 5 days more of life all in all really. I'm really hoping this vacation goes well and is exactly what I've been needing. A week off from everything...except some homework..but I could get my due assignments finished all in one day and still have 6 to relax with. I'm hoping to find peace while just doing nothing, not having a schedule, and finally being able to breathe. Not saying that my home/work life is awful, but I just really need time. I'm about to be 20 and what everyone warned me about, that being the real world is setting. No more handouts, no more putting off, and no more putting what you want before what you need. I still have to learn all of this, and there's a lot I need to know how to do right, but the role is one that I enjoy. I really like a challenge in life, without one I get bored and do impulsive (sometimes stupid) things. But I've been so busy all summer, all year really, and I just need a time out from life. My expectations are that by the end of it I'll miss the business and realize the lazy life isn't for me, but a week of it can't hurt, right?