22.

Hey there! It's been so long since I last posted, so forgive me if I'm a little rusty at this. I was on Timehop a couple of days ago and my blog "21" showed up as being posted a year ago and I honestly couldn't believe it. It doesn't feel like my birthday is so close, and that in two weeks I'll be turning 23. It gave me the itch to write again, and to write about my year as a 22 year old.

I won't lie, when I turned 22 I wasn't necessarily in a "happy" place. School was starting to overwhelm me, my workplace was filled with highs and lows, my parents had just recently moved two hours away, and I was still stuck in the feeling of aloneness. And guys, being alone scares me to death. As 2015 came to a close I found myself in a state of depression for the first time since high school. I had never been depressed while knowing God, and I really couldn't figure out how I had gotten there.

I prayed to God to give me a word, or a phrase to hold onto as 2016 began. I heard so clearly, rest. 2016 was going to be my year of rest. Now, you try telling a 22 year old girl who is working full time, going to school full time, married, and in a dark place that she will have a year of rest. I just didn't see how it was possible, but holding onto that one word gave me hope that maybe some good things were coming my way. Maybe I could catch a break.

Walker and I went on a wonderful vacation this year in the Spring, but even that didn't go as planned. We were going to stay with some of my family for the first 4 days in Tennessee, 2 days on our own in Nashville, and 1 day on the way back in Hot Springs. Our original plan crumbled, to no one's fault, and to make a long story short that meant we had to find somewhere to stay for the first 4 days. We could have just stayed home, but I knew in my heart that I had to get out of town for a little bit, I needed a different space. Some of Walker's family were so incredibly kind and let us stay with them in Hot Springs, Arkansas for the first 4 days of our week long vacation. These were people I had never met, and that Walker hadn't seen since he was a little boy. When we pulled up to their house and I saw the peaceful, quiet, restful atmosphere I knew right then that God was going to heal me while there. And He did. I had such a special time with Walker and his family, and the rest of our vacation was busy but so fun. So needed.

Over the next few months the Lord started shifting things in my life. I felt so clearly it was time to seek out a new church home. I was mad at God about that, Walker and I had been going to ours for 2 years and it's where we really started building our Christ-centered foundation. We were comfortable. I talked with Walker about it and we both agreed that we would try out new churches and if we didn't feel anything from other places, we would just stay there. Pretty quickly after I talked with a friend and she invited me to come to her church. We went for the first time on Easter Sunday, and continued going. I started hearing messages that lined up directly with where I was at in life and knew this was where God wanted me.

April was a huge, beautiful, challenging month. One of those reasons was because I went on a youth retreat, and I swear I got more out of it than the kids. Again I found myself in a beautiful, quiet, restful atmosphere and here it was 100% about serving God and hearing His word. This was another step into healing. Then, a week later I had this huge assignment due. The requirement was that I had to write a paper breaking down a painful moment in my life, and what exactly made me feel that way. Still healing from my recent depression, it was easy to find something to write about. It went in depth on why the moment was happening and what about it felt personal. I've always been one to take things personally, and this assignment actually changed my life. I truly believe this was the last step I had to take to be pulled out of my depression. God works through everything, even school assignments. My soul was at rest.

Following quickly after that I was sitting in church and heard so clearly (and so out of the blue) from the Lord, "I want you to quit your job." And honestly, I did want to quit. I didn't feel like I was really being used the way God intended me to be and my days there were very inconsistent. I flat out said no to God. And I kept saying no to God every single time I'd hear this from Him...which was a lot. I finally told Walker and I was in tears as I did, because I was so scared that he would actually be okay with this. You see, my deal with God was that if Walker said yes I would do it. There was no way I'd make this big of a life change without Walker backing it. Guess what...Walker told me to do it and that He knew the Lord would bring something our way. So I did it. On May 5th I turned in my two weeks with no other job lined up, just a lot of faith in the Lord and what he was doing. Let me just tell you that having faith in those times where we are challenged to step out is so much better than any worldly sense of security you could find.

About a week and a half later I got offered an internship with our old church over the summer. I also go told that our local pregnancy aid center was in need of an assistant in the education department. I applied right away and started praying over this position. At the same time I was applying to multiple places, about 3-5 a day. Most of the time I was at home, and I got the full force of that rest the Lord told me He would give me. I got time to enjoy my home, enjoy my marriage, enjoy my life. I hadn't been doing that enough. No better way to be thankful for what you have when it's all that you have.

Over about 6 weeks I got offered 2 other jobs, but they just didn't feel right. I kept holding out for the pregnancy center, which was unable to give me an answer for weeks because the director was out on Sabbatical. God asks us to do some crazy things that just don't make sense to other people, and turning down job offers while seriously needing a job was one of those crazy things I held to. I trusted that God would provide, and He did. I got offered the job at Next Step Women's Center and I have never enjoyed work more. I am so blessed to be there, where I am encouraged daily in my faith, and where I get to touch others as God works through me.

Walker and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary in Austin recently, and it was so good to get away with Him after all the alterations that had been made in our lives. I can honestly say that Walker is my biggest blessing, and 2016 has been shaping him into an even better man...which I didn't think was possible in the first place.

You can see how 22 was a year of what some may see as madness and full of change, huge changes. But I see it as a year of growth and a year of rest. I've grown so much closer to God, and I realized it wasn't that I needed to catch a break at all, it's that I needed to slow down and trust that His promises are true and good.

He is my healer, my comfort, and my refuge. I encourage you to trust in Him even when other's say it's crazy, and even when you may think it's crazy too. His plan is better than any we could ever dream up, which means the roads to getting there will not be predictable. It's not about knowing the directions, but trusting  that the Lord knows where He is taking you. My friends, it is a beautiful journey.

I am so excited to see what 23 has to hold.

When You are Called to Counsel

I have always enjoyed getting to know people. I love hearing people's stories and backgrounds, and getting to hear why they are who they are. I've also always been someone people confide in. Most of the time it just happened, and I didn't really think too much of it. Now I see it as a blessing that people feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with me. More than a blessing, being someone to confide in, is my calling.

I took an AP psychology class in high school. It was the first AP I had ever taken and it was the first semester for this teacher to teach it. I had it set in my heart I was one day going to be a psychologist. I wanted to help people. We started talking about the science of it all, and only the science. There were models and systems and exact reasons why people thought the way they did. I saw it becoming less about the person and more about the process of fixing them. At this moment, I lost my passion.

Into college I became obsessed with nutrition. I wanted to get all of the knowledge I could to help people be a better version of themselves and to help them live their life to the fullest. Again, I found myself wrapped up in science. (Can you tell it's not my strongest point?) Nutrition does center around science, we can't know how a food affects our bodies without proper studies and tests. I lost my passion again.

I then went to the easy choice for myself, to be a teacher. I am not saying teaching is an easy job, in fact I know it's the opposite, but it was always my fall back plan. I knew I had a love for helping others, I was good at English and liked to write, and I wanted to work with seniors as they begin to think about their life and where they really want to go. So Ms. Kennedy/Mrs. Hemnes it was.

Then something changed. I had been looking into attending SAGU and I saw counseling as a major. Not only counseling, but counseling ministries. Something immediately tugged at my heart. I prayed on it a lot, and I sometimes fought it. How could someone with a past like mine be qualified to counsel others? Doubts. They overwhelmed me. But I felt a yearning in my heart for this, and for the first time something felt right and like it could fit.

I'm now in my second semester of school at SAGU. I plan on taking 30 hours this year total. I am absolutely loving my classes, and instead of what they did in the past (turn me away from the desired profession) I find myself running towards them, excited to hear lectures I can relate to and enjoy. It is the most amazing thing to be in this place.

I think vulnerability is a beautiful thing. Elisabeth Shue said, "I understand now that the vulnerability I've always felt is the greatest strength a person can have. You can't experience life without feeling life. What I've learned is that being vulnerable to somebody you love is not a weakness, it's a strength." As a counselor these people will not know me outside of these sessions. For some it is easier to be vulnerable with a stranger than someone you love, but my hope is that whatever stories I hear they realize they are what can make them strong and beautiful rather than weak and fragile. 

I am so excited for how God will use me in other people's lives. I have to think about my own as well, too. If you're reading this and you have a similar heart, I know that it gets heavy often. So many times throughout the day I am depending on God to use me for other people. I come home on fire for God and what He did that day, do my normal Bible study, and sleep. I still give all glory to God, but sometimes I correlate God using me and just resting in God as the same thing when they are not. If there is one thing I could say to someone wanting to help others (in any way) it is that your time with God is the most important counseling session you will have. It needs to happen frequently, or you will be empty. In a job that serves others it is vital to remember you can rest in God. 

I strive to always be there for people when they need me but sometimes I find that so hard to believe is possible in someone else, even God! What a thought. That God doesn't have time for me, is bored of me, or He only wants to be included in the parts where I'm sharing the good news. If you catch yourself having those thoughts I'd encourage you to have time of worship, my favorite song for these moments is How Can it Be by Lauren Daigle. Because that's exactly what I am thinking in those moments, how can someone love me THIS much without ceasing? What a beautiful love story and hope to hold onto. 

I am so excited about what God will use me for in life. But I am learning to be equally excited and to accept the love that is always readily available and never empties. 

"the Lord appeared to him from far away. 'I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.'" Jeremiah 31:3