Personal Body Image.

I don't know about what it's like for other girls, but I know for me I struggle so badly with self-hate, especially when it comes to my body. This whole month has been an off one for me. I haven't wanted to work out as much, and my eating habits have been more careless than ever it seems like. It may be a silly fear, but I'm afraid of a type of karma coming and getting me for losing 15 when you're supposed to gain the freshman 15. What if it just waited until this year? Then I realized, no one has that control besides myself. No one can hold me accountable except myself. No one can make me proud of myself except me. My body is just that, my body. I'm responsible for it. And this month I started on a new medicine which my body has had to adjust to physically and mentally. I started back at school so that's a stressor as well. I keep saying next week, next week, NEXT WEEK. Why do we put off like this? Why not now? And in my shoes, why can't I continue a good thing? It's a rigorous cycle, the one I have with my diet and body I mean. I get so healthy and proud then fall off the good streak and go crazy it seems like, sometimes for a day, sometimes for a month. The important thing is to always get back on track.
My main problem is vacation. Funny how that's seen as a problem. But seriously, it's going to be so hard for me to relax and let myself eat and enjoy vacation but also find a balance. I'm literally already stressing over it. I'm stressing over vacation. How freaking ridiculous is that?
This all points to one thing: I am not 100% comfortable in my own skin. How can I grow? Well, I googled the answer so lets see what comes up.
1. Get Real.
2. Adore YOU
3. Trust Your Wants
4. Stop trying to vanquish the "bad stuff" (this is probably hitting the hardest right about now)
5. Take responsibility
6. Stop tolerating
7. Get out of the spin cycle
8. Permanently shift your beliefs
9. Dream loudly
10. Live passionately
(I got this list here)

So, starting off, getting real. I really really REALLY hate myself whenever I get off track with food. I struggled with disorders in the past and I am not proud of them at all. I've been clean of them for maybe about 2 months, but they still itch at me when I look in the mirror and don't like what I see. When I eat, I eat excessively. Go to a restaurant with me on a cheat day and you will easily see how I weight 45 more pounds than I currently do. I do everything excessively, loving people, anger, eating, everything about me is excessive. How can I better this? Seriously, how?
The best solution I can think of is stop the self-hate and forgive myself while still holding myself 100% accountable for my actions and reactions. Plan ahead and stick to it. Be proud of what I've done and reallize if I stay healthy how bright my future is, and if I go back to unhealthy how dim my outcome may be.

Maybe I'll do one of these things from this list every entry, give this blog more of me and get more personal. I really just want to learn to love myself.